You know how you have a little health scare and you start to reflect a little more? Dan entered the emergency room late Monday night and has yet to come home. They performed an emergency appendectomy around 4:00 in the morning.
There were dozens of people in the ER that night and as bad as Dan was, most of them seemed a lot worse off. It struck me how many of them were alone. I was grateful that my Dad came right away to spend the night with our kids so I could be with Dan. I'm a little overwhelmed by the outpouring of prayer and offers of help. I don't know why it's easier to give help than receive it, but it is. I think it's my pride. And it still surprises me, because I like getting help - and I never thought I was one of those people who would have a hard time asking for it or receiving it.
Then again, I never thought a lot of things about myself that seem to be true the more I look inside. I don't think of myself as overextended. I figure, our kids aren't in sports so we're way ahead of the time commitment game. I listen to so many other people rattle off their schedules and I'm tired just listening to them. Then someone says that to me and I wonder what they're thinking.
Therapists will tell patients when they're recovering from something (anything really - an addiction, a behavior, an illness, etc.) that if they want an accurate assessment of their progress to ask someone close to them how they're doing. Because as much as we think we have some objectivity, we always seem to think we're managing better than we are. In church we call them accountability partners.
So now I pay a little more attention when someone says they're concerned about me (that's the word to use to avoid a defensive reaction by the way). I wonder why. I consider maybe they have a point. And then things start to unravel.
So often, we walk around with subtle symptoms that we are either oblivious to, or are resolved to ignore. But for all the times we dismiss them as not being serious or attempt to wish or pray them away, seldom do they go.
Because symptoms aren't the problem. There's always a root cause. We like to treat the symptom. It's less messy. Make the symptom go away and we're back to business. But that never really cures the problem. You have to go deep to diagnose.
So while Dan was getting ultrasounds and X-Rays and CT Scans they discovered his appendix had ruptured. To clarify it didn't burst (literally like an explosion) but it was leaking everywhere. And the only solution was immediate surgery to remove the whole thing.
I lost a lot of sleep in the past couple of days and in my efforts to reassure the kids, catch up at work, maintain some semblance of order in my house, encourage my husband and plan for the next steps I underwent a Holy Spirit induced cat scan. Like Dan's it wasn't scheduled and I wasn't prepared for it. But I found myself on my knees, crying and feeling pretty sinful because my biggest worry was that we wouldn't be able to go on the getaway weekend we had planned and looked so forward to.
I spend so much time telling people God always has their best in mind and trust in His goodness and sovereignty even when you don't understand, but I was pretty upset that His best for me didn't include the weekend I so desperately wanted. So something ruptured. And man, did it leak. I was leaking all morning. It hurt. And it hit me that the only thing that was going to take the pain away was to allow God to surgically remove my sin. So I told Him the weekend was His (which it was anyway, but I figured I'd surrender to that) and asked Him to help me trust Him with it and thanked Him for His protection of Dan and all the evidence of His grace and mercy I had just experienced from living 2 minutes away from a fantastic hospital to having dozens of people praying for us both fervently.
I am in awe of this God.