I Don't Have the Words

For the past month my father-in-law has been in the hospital. Less than a year ago he had brain surgery for a non-cancerous tumor that they were able to remove 90% of successfully. Inexplicably, it grew back with a vengeance.

About ten days ago he had another brain surgery to remove 90% of the new tumor. Since then he has undergone a series of surgical procedures because one thing keeps leading to another - a drain for fluid - a screen for a blood clot - a traecheotomy to prevent pneumonia, etc.

So far, by God's grace, he has rebounded exceptionally well after each one. And he's almost 81.

So it's hard to explain why the father of three boys, two of which have been on Ryan's baseball teams, passed away tonight after a long battle with Crohn's Disease which isn't normally fatal. He was about my age.

When Dan and I spoke with his wife about an hour after she said goodbye to her husband, I asked God for the right words to say. Words of comfort and hope. Words that would somehow strengthen or console her.

"I'm sorry" sounds so pitifully inadequate. But I am deeply sorry she has to experience such a tremendous loss and I said so.

"God loves you" doesn't sound much better to a grieving widow with three young sons, but I said that too. Then I added it probably didn't feel like that right now and that I do not know why God let this happen.

Because I don't. I don't know.

Sometimes you just don't have the words to say.

When I find myself in that place I am so grateful for God's Word. Especially verses like Romans 8:26...

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

Summer's Sun in Fall's Playground

I've been experiencing something I've never experienced before in the month of October in my 40 plus years living in Chicago...a week of sunny and 75-82 degree weather. I guess I've never experienced it because it hasn't happened since the 1930's. So the name of the game has been play outside.

As much as humanly possible.

That objective was made easier by a 4 1/2 day weekend for my twins (thanks to parent-teacher conferences) and a three day weekend for my high schooler (thanks to Columbus Day) though she is quick to protest and call it Lief Ericson day. Not that he discovered America either, since there were people ALREADY HERE.

Anyway, on Friday I took the twins to a stellar Pumpkin Patch in South Barrington - Goebbert's on Higgins is THE PLACE to be. Because it was a weekday and not a holiday everything was cheaper. They bring in animals you wouldn't even see in the best city zoos and place them under three large tents - exotic birds, bears, tigers, alpacas, kangaroos, and on and on. $5 a head gets you into all three tents, the corn maze (it was harder than it looked) and access to a two tiered deck high enough to feed the giraffes face-to-face (they like carrots). We went with friends, ate apple cider donuts and basked in the harvest sunshine.

Saturday we sat outside for Ryan's homecoming football game. I'm not sure what business a bunch of 12 year olds have celebrating an alma mater tradition, but it's a great excuse to tailgate, legitimately TP your friend's houses and write your team name and jersey # all over your car.

We lost. Big. But it was still a GREAT afternoon.

Today I took my oldest (who was suffering in school while we played at the pumkin patch) to the Morton Arboretum. She's been begging for that excursion for the better part of the past three weeks. It's about 15 miles from where we live. We got to the exit next to the gardens in 20 minutes. And then it took an hour to get the extra 1/2 mile into the park. Apparently everyone and their brother shared our great idea.

Turns out it was totally worth it. My daughter's joy was only rivaled by the amazing color show God put on display. I will try to remember this two months from now when I'm shoveling my driveway and scraping my windows. We heard a couple of guys behind us talking about the new heavens and the new earth and we smiled at them and shared their wonder that the spectacular landscape around us was a mere glimpse of things to come.

Tomorrow we are headed up to Lake Geneva for the day to cap it all off. In the midst of a particularly busy season for us, I am truly grateful for this Indian Summer respite.

Rain Check

The weather has been very pleasant the last couple of weeks and by that I mean mostly in the 60's.

I love fall.

The past couple of days it's also been rainy though, and that has made these nights just about perfect.

Not because I love the rain, but because football practice was canceled two nights in a row.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE football. Love it. But I also love my family and there haven't been many relaxing weekday meals together since August 1st.

So tonight I'm grateful for the rainy, fall weather.

Now if I could just keep the sun from setting so early....

Curriculum Night

A lot has changed in the 20-ahem years since I've graduated high school.

Tonight I got to go to my first curriculum night for my freshman daughter, walk her schedule and meet all her teachers in ten minute increments.

Why I thought heels were a good idea is beyond me. It's a big school. And her 5th period class is on the opposite end of the school and on another floor than her 4th period class. But she manages to get there on time every day so I was determined to do it too.

My knee only gave a little on the last flight of stairs.

After parking in the adjacent county and walking in said heels a few blocks to get back to the school I was on my way.

Her first period is PE. Poor thing. Sweaty all day. Thank God she's not one for primping and getting her hair just right. The woman was laid back, extremely reasonable, very informative and a mother of three girls herself. Love her teacher.

On to AP English - writing, reading, grammar, the works. They don't call it L.A. in here. Her teacher has a son on Ryan's football team who was born on the exact same day in the exact same place as my twins. They act out some scenes from the classic books they read. She messes with the freshman boys and asks them their tights size for the Romeo and Juliet unit. Love her teacher.

In Algebra 2 everything is on warp speed - her teacher also teaches applied computer science. The beauty is he cares more about how they finish the story than the points they accumulate along the way and has figured out how to mathematically program the scoring system so they get the most credit possible for their efforts and end results. Love her teacher.

In biology the man at the helm was an alumni himself...class of 1975, and good humored enough to share his high school photo, complete with plaid sportcoat and four-inch-wide tie. There was a sign in his room - Caution: Deadlines are closer than they appear. He had paper and pens so we could write them love notes and leave them behind. Love her teacher.

By some miracle I made it to her Spanish class tucked away behind the auditorium in a hallway labeled with room numbers that stopped shy of hers and met a straightforward woman who doubles as the assistant athletic director and couldn't say enough about what a gem my daughter was. Love her teacher.

Had time to kill for lunch/study hall so I visited the booster sales table, got a free oatmeal raisin cookie in the science atrium and stopped to chat for a few minutes with a friend in the hallway. We reminded each other that it's good our daughters aren't so mainstream socially because their faith will always be counter-cultural and we don't need to be concerned about them missing out on all the popular activities, like homecoming. Took a quick peek in the book fair, was thankful I forgot my checkbook and moved on to band.

Sat in the front row and realized the mom next to me had been in at least three other classes with me, introduced myself and found her to be delightful. The band director made us clap out a vertical rythym. Don't ask me. I don't know what it is, I don't play any instruments and I can't read music, but we did it in unison somehow. Love her teacher.

Most of my high school memories are gone, but the few that remain offer a wide spectrum of emotions. The best memories have to do with the relationships I had with just a few close friends, and the two or three teachers who made all the awful experiences more bearable.

I think my daughter is way ahead of the game on all fronts. And for that I am very encouraged. And grateful.

Wildfires

It's been anonymously brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in a month or so. My sister...I mean my anonymous commenter...speculated that not much has gone on in my life lately. Of course if there were a sarcasm font, it would have been the typeface she'd used.

Yesterday when I left work I was assaulted the moment I stepped outside with an intense burning odor. I would have guaranteed you a house was on fire within two blocks of where I stood had I not been told by a co-worker that the stench was actually from wildfires in Minnesota. As in above Wisconsin. Over 400 miles away. I didn't really believe it until I experienced it first hand.

I pondered it all the way home.

My day to day life has been a lot like a wildfire this past month spreading over miles of terrain, burning hot and fast and requiring urgent attention. In fact so much of how I've been spending my energy at work has been determined by the biggest fire that it was getting a little hard for me to see the forest through the trees.

And I work in a church.

It's been all hands on deck and a flurry of activity as we have launched a new ministry year that just happens to coincide with the new school year bringing extra urgency to my need to master the circus that is my calendar.

It actually feels a little hot to the touch.

I do not know how women can work full-time and take care of a family. I am more baffled by how single parents do it. And I am outright bewildered as to how I have become the mother of a high-schooler and two junior high students already.

I do know God has given me the strength to manage sickness, school activities, band, football, parades, hospital visits, assorted clubs, work, family, mid week church activities, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and a multitude of meetings.

“I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire.” Matthew 3:11-12

Today the air was a little clearer.

Fount of Every Blessing

A few weeks ago while we were sitting in church, our pastor made an announcement about the all-church baptism event coming up on August 14th. I love all-church events, especially since we became a multi-site church. They are the only time when we all gather together in one place and I get to see folks who worship at a different location. Dan and I have worshipped at each of our three campuses at one time or another, where we have made friends and enjoyed special fellowship. So it's almost like a reunion when we are all gathered together in His name. And I knew this event was going to be held in the backyard of a member's beautiful home on a picturesque lake in South Barrington.

I quickly decided I wanted to attend.

The pastor invited those interested in being baptized to sign up. He reminded us that baptism is one of only two ordinances Jesus commanded us to do (the other being communion) which makes it an act of obedience. It is also an act of identification. Being baptized means you identify yourself with Christ. His death. His life.

Few events in my life have touched me more deeply than hearing those who were lost share their testimonies of how Christ found them and worked a miracle in their lives. The stories vary a great deal, but they all celebrate the same amazing truth that we sinners are washed clean by the shed blood of Jesus Christ.

So there were plenty of reasons for me to rejoice in this day and occasion.

Then God gave me two more.

My husband Dan and my oldest daughter Caitlin decided it was time they made the same proclamation...that they are disciples of Jesus Christ.

Today skies that began cloudy and gray turned brilliantly blue. The sun shone warm and strong over the hillside lawn and lake where hundreds of brothers and sisters in Christ of every age, race and color gathered together in worship.

While sweet, familiar hymns and songs of praise served to remind us we are saved; by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone, I watched two more members of my family declare their life in Christ.

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:26-28

Vacation Mode

As summer winds down and the start of school looms I am happily stuck in vacation mode. Backpack sales abound, and school supplies hit the shelves before the 4th of July this year, but it didn't phase me one bit. We've been back from our family vacation for almost a week, and it feels like I was there yesterday. The calendar says football practice and band camp and orientation but it's all a little unreal to me yet.

It helps that my boss has been on vacation for two weeks and my work load has been lighter. It helps that my sister is visiting from Colorado and we do more "vacation-y" type things when she's here. It helps that the pool water is warm and it's still light out until late.

But I honestly don't know why reality hasn't hit me more.

We didn't think we were going to be able to take a summer vacation this year but God provided through the generosity of wonderful friends and we were able to spend several days in Lake Geneva at their home. We had access to a huge community pool and lots of space to lay around and relax. The weather was supposed to be awful but it hardly rained at all. We were able to rent a boat and take the kids tubing for the first time. Well, Caitlin tubed. Maggie took a nosedive in .6 seconds and promptly called it quits. Ryan made up his mind then and there it wasn't worth trying. But it was still a great experience and a lot of fun. Maggie and I went horseback riding and even trotted (her first time) which was an added bonus. I don't know why, but two of the most relaxing places I can think of to be are on a horse or on water (as long as I'm not doing the tubing).

I'm sure within a week or so I'll adjust to the reality of my situation, but until then I'm basking in vacation mode.