Feeling It

It's starting to feel like the Christmas season to me. Maybe because it's snowing. Or maybe because we decorated the tree tonight that's been standing bare in our living room for four days sucking water faster than I can pour it from the stand. It could be because the kids and I sat and watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" - one of the very few Christmas specials on T.V. that actually quotes the story of Christ's advent from Scripture when Linus tells Charlie Brown what Christmas is really about.

We were at two consecutive Christmas parties on Sunday and Monday night and the food and the company were wonderful at both - that sure helps ease you in to the Christmas spirit. We sang Christmas carols at the one last night. Dan was a trooper because he had to leave the house at 4:30 this morning to catch a 6:00 am flight to New Jersey to meet with a client for three hours and then go directly back to the airport where his flight was delayed about 2 and 1/2 hours because of the snow. Thankfully he landed around 7:00 and was home around 8:00. And to be honest as much as I feel badly for him, I was thankful the delay meant he wouldn't be home in time to take the kids to Awana and we were able to have a down night which we all really needed.

Shockingly, even with Dan gone, I made a real dinner after eating out three nights in a row at parties!

The Christmas cards are still on the floor waiting to be started, as is the annual letter I write and the photo to be developed. I'll get to them eventually. It was way more important to sit with the kids and watch the Christmas specials tonight.

Before the party last night I was at a wake for a wonderful woman a mere two years older than I am who lost her battle with cancer but won her victory in Christ. She is now completely healed and in the company of the One whose advent we're celebrating now. I am rejoicing for her, but at the same time mourning with her husband and young daughter.

Tonight I'm thankful to Janet for the very precious reminder that it was much better to decorate a tree and sit with my kids eating popcorn, not knowing what tomorrow brings than to have spent the time driving the kids to Awana in the snow, writing out the Christmas cards or shopping for presents on-line. Tonight was a gift. Maybe that's why it feels like Christmas.

Not so fast

Today was a busy day - I had an early meeting at work so I woke up at 6:00 and left the house well before 8:00 am. The meeting is a weekly staff meeting and I'm always so grateful it's in the middle of the week, because the first 15-20 minutes are spent doing a devotional and singing three songs of Praise to God.

I cannot imagine a much better way to begin a work day.

After the meeting there was plenty to do, and almost all of it was urgent, but it didn't create panic or stress because we'd taken the time to reflect before we even began.

During lunch I ran an errand to pay a bill at Kohl's. Wednesdays are senior discount day at Kohl's. There are lovely old people everywhere navigating the dozens of kiosks in the aisles at their own liesurely pace. I only get 30 minutes for lunch, but I managed to wait fairly patiently in a long line at Customer Service where the employees feel no sense of urgency whatsoever and then found a majorly discounted sweater with the exact type of collar I'd been looking for forever in the perfect color for the holidays (red) and a Christmas gift for someone else on the way out.

After work I had to run to Walmart. Again. I was there yesterday. But for some inescapable reason 10 minutes after I get home from Walmart each week I immediately notice a half dozen items we are completely out of and can't wait to buy (like toilet paper, shampoo and milk, etc.). There are a thousand other people in Walmart all in a hurry to get home but I manage to find all the items on my shopping list calmly by stopping every so often to check them off.

I got home and got dinner in the oven and then helped the kids finish their homework, instead of trying to do both at once to save time which, let's face it, always ends badly. Mostly because of my inability to truly multitask for any length of time without great frustration.

After dinner I took Caitlin to her youth group meeting and met with several mom's of the other kids in the youth group for a Bible study during which we took turns reading and talking about the lesson. No one even glanced at the clock for the first hour of a 90 minute meeting.

I got home around 9:30 pm, tucked the twins into bed and cleared out some email, read a couple of friends' blog entries and then came to my own. I thought...what did I learn today?

I learned you can move slowly through a fast day and get a lot of meaningful things accomplished.

But now I'll quickly go to sleep.

Advent

On the first day of Advent, my true love gave to me.....permission to be a little lazy.

December is quite a busy month around here - yes, yes, for us all I know. But it's also Dan and Caitlin's birthday month, we usually have out of town company and working at a church means business tends to ramp up instead of cool down. I am however, extraordinarily grateful not to be working retail anymore.

So...we have plans for the next 9 consecutive evenings, then a day off, then a packed weekend, and five more consecutive evenings planned.

The good news is we both have some vacation time coming and will be taking it. The better news is we had a really relaxing Thanksgiving weekend - the calm before the storm. The best news is, I'm exercising boundaries much better these days and perfectly willing to back out of any number of said planned evenings if I feel the stress rise.

One of the women I work with (whom I adore) had us all over to her place for lunch yesterday to kind of take stock of all our blessings and encourage each other to enter the season peacefully and concentrate on the real cause for celebration and not the stuff or the events or anything that detracts from the real reason we as Christians celebrate Christmas.

The Word became flesh.

Stunning.

Thankful

I haven't written all month and since we just celebrated Thanksgiving and I just finished reading a book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss called "Choosing Gratitude" I feel like this would be a good time to write down some of the things I'm grateful for.

My husband. Who has said to me at least 2 dozen times this week, "You're the greatest."

Caitlin, who stood at the tree lighting ceremony in downtown Elk Grove Village Friday night directly under a barrage of fireworks and said "I'm fine, Mom." With a big smile and a cheery voice just three short years after being diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when loud noises brought tears of pain to her eyes.

Maggie who is always grateful for everything regardless of what day of the week or year it is.

Ryan who prayed before our Thanksgiving meal with the sincerity and maturity of someone who knows how blessed we are.

That Dan and I have jobs.

That I love my job.

That my dishwasher hasn't completely died yet.

That I got to go away for the weekend (one week ago) to scrapbook and hang out with two great girlfriends.

That I have great girlfriends.

That the weather has been mild all November long.

That everyone in my extended family is relatively healthy.

That having Thanksgiving dinner was not at all stressful.

That the stuffing turned out.

For our supportive parents.

For our siblings. All of them. Near and far.

That I haven't gained back the last 5 pounds of the 40 I lost.

That I own a really good treadmill.

That the heat works.

That my car runs.

That my kids go to a great school with great teachers and great volunteers.

For our neighbors.

For the park by our house.

For our church and the many many people who make ministry happen.

That Jesus died on a cross to save me from my sins and give me abundant life.

That I can feel peace in the midst of difficult circumstances.

For the movie "Elf."

For the new sheets on my bed I got 75% off on black Friday.

For my bed.

For WXRT.

For U2.

For $5 fleece sleeppants at Target.

That my back hasn't gone out in over a year.

That my nephew Charlie will be here for Cait's birthday.

That I live in a country where I can worship God without fearing the government.

That a gallon of milk is less than a mile away.

That clean, cold, Lake Michigan water comes out of the tap.

That I have next Friday off to celebrate Dan's birthday with him.

That I can write.

That you can read.

And a million other lovely things.....

Stronghold

About a month ago I was in a store and I glanced at the strategically placed row of magazines while I was waiting to check out and one in particular caught my eye. It was Oprah. I know this because she was on the cover. And she's on the cover of every issue. Anyway... the cover story headline read, "You're Stronger Than You Think You Are" and I thought to myself, "Bull!" Although if I'm honest, there was a second syllable to that word.

It struck an emotion in me somewhere between ticked off and amused. Because the truth is, I don't think we are nearly as strong as we think we are. And I think it's a huge disservice to keep telling people to find their inner strength and pull themselves up by the bootstraps when they only find real strength in the midst of their weakest moments. And the strength doesn't come from themselves.

I have identified over the course of several years of therapy that there have been people and things that have had strongholds on my life but I didn't derive any real strength from them. And I've only recently discovered how I had allowed a certain extent of my own identity to be defined through these relationships and possessions.

As a Christian, my identity is first and foremost in Christ. I am literally "in" Him and He is in me. It's the truest way to define myself. And if He really is the all powerful one (and I believe He is) than the only way to obtain real strength is from Him.

One of the Bible verses I used to be most confused about is in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. It says "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." (NASB)

I've read that a lot and I used to come away going, "Huh??"

How can I be strong when I'm weak?

But just a verse earlier it says power is perfected in weakness. Then it talks about the power of Christ and how it may dwell in me. I don't think I was too hepped up on having Christ's power dwell in me. I kind of preferred my own. Until my own proved insufficient. It took awhile for me to figure out that my weakest moments were actually an act of God's grace. Because who invites another power in when you're own seems to be working just fine?

I'm an American who lives in the northwest suburbs of Chicago in the 21st century, so I don't know nearly as much about insults, distresses, persecutions and difficulties as the apostle Paul. But I have noticed that the closer I get to Jesus, the more I experience these things for His sake. I'm at a point now where I'm content in those circumstances.

Because when I am weak, I am strong.

Audit

Our church is in the midst of an ambitious capital campaign to help purchase a new building as a second sight and make some renovations to our existing site. They are going about it in a very wise way, which is encouraging, because it's our church after all, not to mention my place of employment.

They have scheduled several smaller meetings for people to come and hear the vision and ask questions more in a town hall format than rolling the plan out to everyone at once. And they gave out a book to everyone called Generosity - a devotional with a biblical perspective of being generous in all aspects of life, not just financial giving, and a good amount of perspective on what best motivates any kind of giving.

While considering what our role in this campaign might be Dan and I reviewed our budget. I don't know how often people do this in general, but my experience is most people don't do it very often at all. And if enough time passes between audits, you might be in for a surprise when you start taking stock of it all again. I was.

I think there's no such thing as successful coasting. In fact, I think with the exception of a 60 second period on a bicycle, there's no such thing as coasting at all, let alone successfully! You're always either moving forward or lagging behind.

We do an exercise every once in awhile with our couples small group in which we ask everyone to break down their day on a pie chart. We approach it like a budget, keep track of every "time" receipt - how much time at work, commuting, eating, sleeping, watching T.V., on the computer, doing chores, homework, sporting events, etc. etc. till the whole day is accounted for - then we figure percentages of time spent in each activity in a typical day and ask everyone a few questions. Do they think anything worthwhile is altogether missing (i.e. time alone with a spouse, reading the Bible if that's a priority for them, exericising, etc.)? Were they surprised when they put it down on paper where their time went? Do they feel their current pattern truly reflects what they think their priorities are - or whether it might suggest some new priorities are in order?

I read somewhere once that if you want to know what your highest priorities are, just look at your checkbook and your calendar.

How we spend our money and time is most likely the truest reflection of what we believe and what we value whether we thought that was the case or not. Not knowing how we spend our money and time can be dangerous...albeit tremendously comforting for awhile. No need to remedy a problem that doesn't exist, right?

I think of all the big scandals in corporate America in the past five years because of a lack of oversight, regulation or adherence to auditing practices in place and it seems to me the problem is just as big in our personal lives. If there is no regular check-up (think about the last time you were at the dentist) then the longer you wait to look, the more damage that can occur and the more expensive it can become to address what you find in the end.

I'm glad we did the budget and I'm glad we regularly consider how our time is spent so we can make changes when necessary that prevent much bigger problems later, but mostly I'm glad we both know that the only proper motivation for giving anything is a response to Jesus giving us everything.

Bus Stop Musings

The other day I was dropping the twins off at the bus stop like I do four days a week on my way to work and Maggie said before getting out of the car, "Mommy, I'm glad you and Daddy have jobs and all, but sometimes it's hard when all the other parents are at the bus stop and you're not there."

Okay, I know the working mom's out there just did a collective sigh in sympathy for me while I try to dislodge the knife from my heart. Mind you I leave the bus stop approximately 5 minutes before their bus comes (and yes they are very well attended with the most parents per capita of any bus stop I've ever heard of, let alone seen). Plus, on Mondays when I'm off and I wait at the bus stop until the bus actually picks them up and drives away, they don't stand anywhere near me or talk to me - they go off with their friends and only give me a hug (or in Ryan's case, a quick shoulder bump) right as the bus pulls up.

Watch. I'll arrange to get to work a few minutes late and wait at the bus stop with them and by March they'll be telling me to go to work already, because they aren't babies anymore and I'm embarrassing them at the bus stop.

Or maybe not. Because they are still pretty young, and unlike a lot of kids at their school, not so eager to speed up the aging process. A rare virtue for which I am extremely grateful.

So this has had me thinking. If Maggie wants me there even though she never talks much to me when I am, there must be something about my visible presence that she finds deeply comforting. Especially when the effects of my absence are heightened by the physical presence of so many other parents. She sees the other Mom's (and Dad's) many of whom also work outside the home, but apparently have really flexible schedules, waiting around with their kids.

I know this is something that causes her to struggle in her faith, too. She can't see God or touch Him or hear Him audibly and there are so many other adults around who she can see and hear. How can she possibly experience God's presence when there are so few tangible signs of Him?

How can she know He's there and more aware of every single thing she is doing than all the parents combined who are having their morning coffee together on a corner? How do I assure her she is never alone, even when I'm not there? That she is always thought of, even when I'm not doing it? That she is always completely in her heavenly Father's care whether her mother is close by or somewhere else?

And so far my only conclusion is that I won't be able to assure her of this at all. So I'll pray that the Father does it Himself. And trust that He will give her a stronger faith that helps her see and hear and know and understand how high and how deep and how long is His love for her. And by His grace, I hope she'll know how much I love her too.